Month: February 2023

Praise Him

This weekend did not go as planned, but I am used to that. Wyatt and I have become accustomed to our plans changing at the last minute or not being able to make concrete plans. Not that it makes it any easier anytime we have to cancel or change what we were looking forward to doing. It is improving and the idea of having more good days than bad is exciting.

The migraine started creeping in on Friday, but it wasn’t too bad. Saturday morning, I knew my postponed Valentine’s Day dinner for that evening would not happen. After spending the day in bed, I was able to rally and my migraine let up. It let up enough to enjoy a Biggie Bag from Wendy’s and a game of Yahtzee. So after my Saturday night rally, I had high hopes for going to Sunday morning church. We haven’t been to church since before the pandemic because of my health and I have come to a place in my recovery where I am ready to get back. I think I’ll be able to handle the loud music. At least I am hoping so because worship is a very important part of church for me. I’m thinking I’ll be able to salvage one day this weekend. When I woke up Sunday morning, I was holding my head in my hands and was at the stage of murmuring to myself because I was in so much pain. There will be no church this morning. AHHH! Why!?

Depression covers me like a heavy blanket. Guilt claws its way into my mind and starts ripping apart my self-esteem. With each rip I tear myself down a little more, “you knew you couldn’t show up for your husband this weekend”, “you actually thought you were going to church? Maybe you thought about it so hard you brought that migraine on.” “Another weekend where you spent two days in bed and your husband has been basically alone.” All this is happening and going through my mind as this migraine is raging and I’m getting back into bed and my phone goes off. I get the following picture and text on our family thread from my nephew, Nick.

“Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place” – Job 38:12. It’s amazing that the God who calls and commands the dawn to awake like an artist painting a masterpiece, values and loves us above all creation. We are the only thing that is made in his image and in our sin and rejection of Him…He pursues us still! I have so much gratitude that he is God and not us. – Nick Bailey

I received that text at 7:30 am as I was getting back into bed. I immediately have two thoughts. A song by Fernando Ortega – Creation Song – pops into my head. It’s a beautiful song. I’ll put a link at the bottom. My second thought is I am so loved by God. The God that created the universe loves me above all creation. In my sin, he pursues me still. He is with me now and I will praise him through this. He created my whole being from top to bottom. Whether I am sick or sinning, my God never leaves me. He did not create me to tear myself apart from the inside as that just pulls me farther away from him. My mind calms down and the depression begins to lift, and the guilt pulls its claws back out slowly. God wants me to know him more intimately. Each time I focus on God and his love for me, I understand my true worth more and more. It’s not about focusing on myself and learning to love myself. It’s about focusing on and getting closer to God. Only then will I understand how truly lovely and valuable I am. So, not today Satan! As my nephew said, he has so much gratitude that God is God and we are not. It is truly amazing that the God who calls and commands the dawn to awake like an artist painting a masterpiece values me so much more; he pursues me every day. He was reminding me of that Sunday morning through my nephew. I always find it amazing how he uses the people in my life to speak to me at just the right time. Thank you, Nick, for being moved by God.

Worshipping The Joneses

Unless you have been under a rock lately, then you have seen or heard the praise or the disdain for the performances and videos coming from the music industry. Whether you were in the praise column or the disdain column, our music has become a worship of everything in excess. We celebrate living a life of sexual immorality, accumulating as much wealth as possible, and having the biggest and best of everything. There is a desire to keep up with the Joneses! Our Joneses seem to be celebrities. We all strive to look as good as our favorite singer, influencer or actor. I’ll take JLo’s butt, Kim Kardashian’s waist, and Charlize Theron’s Legs…. I do it too so I’m not pointing fingers. By the time I’m done, I will have created a new person. Who am I worshipping?

CBS was ready to worship Sam Smith as they tweeted “We are ready to worship” in response to Sam Smith’s sneak peek at his Grammy rehearsal. Smith’s provocative dance included a top hat adorned with devil horns and Petra, looking like she was enjoying her place in hell. When they received a massive blow back, they quickly did an about face and removed it. They rewarded the performance with thunderous applause and a standing ovation. These are the people we idolize and look up to.

Rihanna’s Superbowl performance was celebrated everywhere and was said by fans to have made a “powerful statement” for women all over the world. Really? What kind of statement does it make to grab your crotch and then smell your hand? She must have grabbed herself at least ten more times during the rest of her performance. When we talk about a woman making a “powerful statement” I think of women like Corrie Ten Boom or Miriam Makeba. I am not trying to shred Rihanna’s halftime performance. You either liked it or you didn’t. I am sure Rihanna has done several things to be recognized for as she is such a successful businesswoman. My point is maybe we need to re-think who we and especially our young women are looking up to.

There is power in music. I need to listen to what is coming out of my radio. I need to think about who I look up to. Who am I idolizing? What am I worshipping? There are a lot of celebrities that thank God for their many blessings. Don’t get fooled. There are all kinds of gods, that’s gods with a little g. People can talk about and worship any of those little gods. There is only one God, that’s God with a big G. Entertainment is good and fun until it’s not. Oh, be careful little ears what you hear! Oh, be careful little eyes what you see! Remember that song from Sunday school? We should guard our ears and eyes as we guard our hearts. Ultimately, God is in control and we must rely on him to help us navigate through all this chaos. – For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100:5 And those are my thoughts!

Keep Showing Up

To say that these past few years have been challenging would be an understatement. They have been challenging physically, mentally, spiritually, and in any other way that a person can be challenged. I have been waiting to come through the other side of this illness or better yet illnesses so I can start my life again. Although I am remarkably better and I am getting better each and every day, I am not sure I will ever be well. At least my definition of well, which to me is being able to function “Normally” more days than not. I have decided I can’t wait any longer.

In the past two years, my head has been cut open twice to fix a hole in the superior canal in my ear. It’s called Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence. Yeah, if it’s weird and strange, and no one has heard of it, you can guarantee it will probably happen to me. It is a hole in the superior canal in your ear that causes a plethora of symptoms from vertigo, nausea, fatigue, migraines, and brain fog. I could go on. Most days, I couldn’t get out of bed. I have migraines separate from this disorder and I suffer from major depressive disorder. I always joke that I am the little fine print in the leaflet you get with your prescriptions. The crazy side effects on the commercials, you may stop breathing, or your arms and legs may fall off. That’s me. For goodness’ sake, I’ve had Covid 3 times. I say all this not so anyone will feel sorry for me. Everyone has their own struggles to deal with, whether they are physical, mental, financial, family discord, addiction, etc. What I want anyone to know who reads this is that you can find hope in whatever struggle you are in.

I will not sit here and tell you I am not so tired of being sick and exhausted as I wake up with a migraine every day of my life. I don’t know what the purpose of that is. It’s just how I have to get through each day. Some days I can deal and muscle through, and some days I can not. I have hope, though. I know that whatever I am going through, God has a future for me. That is one of my favorite scriptures. – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 – That is a promise to me from God. I have to do my part, though. I can’t just sit and wait for something wonderful to land in my lap. I get discouraged not being able to do as much because of my physical capabilities. BUT, God did not say, I have a plan for you as long as you are healthy and get up every day and do what I say and never veer from the path I laid before you. He said he wants me to prosper. The actual definition of prosper is to succeed, to flourish, to be successful. He means me no harm. What a wonderful God! I just need to keep showing up and keep seeking him out. I am going to get it wrong, but I know God is always going to get it right, so that is where my hope and trust need to begin and end.

You may not find my words to be eloquent and I’m sure I won’t be quoted in the history books, but you can find someone who genuinely wants to know how to love people the way Jesus commanded us to love people. You can find someone who genuinely wants to be more like Christ every day. That’s the best I have. I’m sure I will make a mess of it, but hopefully, I can just keep showing up every day and God can turn my mess into something beautiful.