When did you start living your life? Have you always or have you felt like you had to hide who you were to some extent? Did you feel like you started living your life when you went to college and had your freedom. Maybe it was just that first moment you were able to get out from underneath your parents and find a roommate or get your own place. Maybe it was when you got married. Maybe it was after all that and the kids and you became an empty nester. We all have different experiences and different ideas of what it means to actually start living your life. To be who you want to be. To feel good about who you are and where you are at.
I was flipping through the channels the other day, because let’s face it, there is never anything on. No matter how many channels, streaming services or platforms you have. I did end up stopping on one reality show for a few minutes because it was one I had not seen before. I must admit I am a reality show junkie. The conversation being between two women about being your authentic self. They had both grown up in what they considered a very “religious household” and were not able to start living their lives until they “broke free”from that. They did not go into any detail on what that meant. There can be the wrong type of “religious” to impose on a household. That got me thinking about myself.
I grew up in a religious household, where my parents taught me about God and Jesus. Ultimately, it was my choice to believe in Him or walk away. I chose to believe but kept my distance, as being too close felt stifling. Once I gained independence, I sought experiences that defined living for me—free from anyone telling me what to do or how to do it. However, this led to long periods of depression and anxiety. I attempted various ways to fill the emptiness loneliness and unsatisfactoriness (that may not be a word) but that’s how I felt. Chaotic. That’s how everything felt. I was living a chaotic life. I wasn’t truly living my life; instead, I was bouncing from one thing to another, searching for peace.
Along the way I rekindled my relationship with God here and there but it never really stuck. I believed in all he had done for me but I wasn’t ready to surrender and say “OK God, your will be done not mine.” I had to be ready to give over the drinking, the drugs, the lying, the cheating, the stealing all the things in my life that kept me apart from God. All the things in my life that made it impossible for me to sit down and get close to God every day. All of those things I thought were so much fun were really giving me anxiety and depression hurting my marriage and my relationship with my son and my family. We try so hard to hold on to our sins because life would be such a drag without them. Oh, if you only knew how peaceful and joyful it was with them gone. Don’t get me wrong. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a process. I still fall and stumble and I always will. That song Cuss a little by Kylie Morgan, I’m trying not to make that about me, I am human. I am a sinner and I’m ok with that. That’s the best thing about this process, I know God loves me just the way I am and I have stopped flogging myself for being a bad christian. His grace covers me. I still have depression now and again and anxiety but nothing like it used to be.
So when one of these ladies said that it’s exhausting not really living as your authentic self and you are just simply existing I can imagine that it is. I can also tell you that trying to find yourself is not the answer. You will search until the end of your days to fill that hole in your life with worldly comforts but you will only find your peaceful living when you find the authentic Jesus and let him show you who he is. Let him fill you up and seek him above all things.
Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33
Journey Through Grace 